NO ONE HURT OR UNHURT It is a gratifying fact, and
shows the most praiseworthy management and care on the part of establishment
owners, that not a man was killed or materially hurt or unhurt in the recent
celebrations in the pub located southwest of Yorkness Town during an astounding
show by PENNY WHISKEY. It seems almost incredible that such an immense crowd
could be contained In such a frenzy as was whipped up, to such a degree that
even after turning off the lights, and making loud bleating noises into the
microphone in a Vain attempt to drive the revelers home, that no one paid the
slightest Bit of Attention, and in fact began a rousing chant of "BRING
THE PIRATES TO THE FORE";
possibly a reference to the band in an attempt for an encore, a lynching, or
A Bagpiper in the crowd, realizing the fever pitch of excitement and sensing
the managementís growing distress at the noise, furtive fondlings, and breaking
glass, leapt to the stage and enchanted the masses with a cacophonic howl
emanating from his tool of trade, and, beckoning Furiously with his elbows while
he blew ferociously into his mighty chanter, led the party go-ers out the door
and down the Street, allowing the band PENNY WHISKEY to escape unscathed through
a rabbit hole behind the stage and allowing the owners to finally bolt the doors
and phone their Insurance Providers. The current where-abouts of the piper or
the Crowds is unkn own at this time: they were last seen rounding the corner of
Fifth and Pike, approaching the wharf, singing loudly and decidedly off key to
songs that had no resemblance or Connection whatsoever to what the brave piper
was playing. Shortly afterwards several vehicles were observed speeding to that
location containing various peoples of the local constabulary. No further word
has been received.
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Just before the train started to cross the Portage Bridge last Saturday, the
open cars were occupied mostly by Irish workmen about the Bridge. The Bridge
hands, who probably felt a little above the dirt hands, claimed the
front car, and a general fight ensued in which twenty or thirty were engaged,
first on the car, then on the ground. Several were more or less bruised, and
one, a ringleader had his head badly cut with a stone. The fight was finally
quelled, and most of them crawled back upon the cars; but not without various
significant side nods of the head and lowering of the brows.
~ Wyoming County Mirror August 17-1852
An eastern State notable reportedly fell from the OldManís Bridge one night last
week, and was reportedly killed. He was kept there underguard, and it is said he
was partly intoxicated, and had probably been asleep when he
fell. Further News on his whereabouts are unknown at the time of this printing
and though there have been no further sightings or phone calls to his mom, as we
have heard no more about it, we think probably it was not so.